Filed under: Uncategorized
Around this time a year ago, I got a tattoo, shaved my head and got baptized. I was also somewhere in the middle of a 4 month intense read-through of the entire bible. A reality that gave momentum to my chosen path of joining the Catholic Worker and seeking to serve the poor and to love people. Now it’s Easter again, the first day in the Catholic octave of celebrating the risen Christ. I’ve been to church exactly twice in the last ten months, a reflection of the growing estrangement I feel with my spirituality and with the divine trinity that we call Father, Son, Spirit.
This period of estrangement itself is not a phenomenon in my life; rather it is a cycle that has repeated itself many times over in the last ten years of my life. That is not to say that I’ve lost and found God during each of these cycles, but more to say that I’ve clung to certain external spiritual pathways only to find that the paths end in weeds and I find myself separated once again.
I’ve recently begun reading works by Carl Jung, Joseph Campbell and Stringfellow, a theologian whom our Catholic Worker house holds particularly dear. I’ve been struck by how the message in each of these works, be in mythology, dreams or biblical faith, is the same. How are we to be human in this world? The search is not in finding “God,” but in living fully and in realizing the inherent oneness of everything. A oneness that is rooted in the realization of the Divine.
My time thus far at the Catholic Worker, in which, for the first time in my life I find myself completely out on my own away from all comforts of friends and family, has been characterized by an internal roller coaster rocking up and down in anger, depression, peace and incredible joy. I know that by being here, I am being true to inner promptings of my own spirit. Our lives may seem simple and the work we do is done in love, but those things are no mask for the harsh and dreadful realities of working with the poor and being a stoic presence to the realities of death that permeate the fabric of this world.
But now it’s Easter again and prompted by my dreams and the books I’ve been reading, I am contemplating my fall from the world of “Christianity” and the question of what it means to be human, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am realizing that all my attempts at finding “God” thus far have been reaching for external things and that though I strive to love others and to embrace their humanity, I fail to love myself and to be in harmony with my own human tendencies. The paths we take to God may be a multi-faceted diamond, but ultimately, we must not deny ourselves if we truly are a reflection of the divine Spirit that swirls around us invisible and soft like a warm summer breeze.
Perhaps I am far away from embracing the man/God figure of Christ, but I believe that, like cyclical rhythms of the earth, my spiritual journey will lead me back. But first, I must find harmony and love within myself.
Leave a Comment so far
Leave a comment
